It’s very hard in these difficult times not to ask ourselves questions. entirely, the whole day.

Our day starts with: did you manage to sleep? what happened overnight? then the morning newsfeed gives the tone of the day; lately a constant heartbreak defined by a number of injured, of casualties, a number of villages, of forests, olive trees, cows, goats, sheep…

Then you stand up, start your day, switch your home power from the local neighborhood generator to your solar generated power like you’ve been doing for 3 years since the last crisis, the one about combustibles. Then you hardly finish coffee before your kids questions start: are the schools open? Can we go out? Not really. Not today. And the most dreaded question: why?

Well, it’s complicated. the region we live in is mostly Christian, although mixed with hundreds of Syrian Muslim refugees in every corner (from yet another crisis over more than 10 years), and is considered a safer region, although we never really know what War Machines are looking for.

And still, 45km is hardly a distance. From Beirut Christian neighborhoods to the first involved southern village it’s less than an hour’s drive! To the southern suburbs of Beirut we are talking 15 minutes at most. For months, these regions of the south and the east, along with the Gazan strip and other Holy Land territories, have been hit again and again with every kind of missile; a wonderfully large testbed for newest weapon technologies from the best renown manufacturers of the world, brand new, even with AI.

Then comes the question again: mom, do I have tennis training today? It seems not.

Indeed, life goes on ‘normally’ until it just doesn’t. What happened? The death machines deployed more weapons, strike intensity went exponential, the numbers are in the hundreds, then thousands.

Life stops.

Where is your brother? What time does dad land at the airport? Call him see where he is. Did you call your grandparents? Answer your uncle calling from abroad, he is super worried. Tell him what’s going on. Does this friend of yours live in that village that was hit? Where is your sister now?

…

Sit down, mom. We are all here. Everyone is fine.

No, we are not fine. The black conundrum of brain-washed life-long acceptance and perpetrating of daily horrors to regular (extra-ordinary actually) God-fearing entire populations has completely taken over us. It’s a gloomy mixture of fear, anger, rage, exhaustion, shock, confusion, disgust, lack of understanding and deep sadness; and you feel it till the tip of your fingers, till you fall asleep.

What happens now, mom? Then the questions inside me start rolling: will it last long this time? Do I need to stock up food again?

Do we need to pack and leave? Leave the region or leave the country? And the house? what happens to our house then? And what about school? We just bought the books. The little one hasn’t even started school! Is it all gone? What about our parents? Our friends? What about work? Our employees?

It’s like a complete stillstand in the unknown. A frozen breathless mind with no answers.

Mom, answer me! Sorry, I don’t know, son. Let’s see. God will guide us. I am sure. In my mind i recall all the God imploring cries of our people in our past tragedies and in the present ones: ya Allah! oh God! ya Aadra! Oh Virgin Mary! ya Mar Charbel! There is no other God than God!

Has this been our strength? our faith?

Faith is not about words. It gives us the power to stand up even when we have nothing left. It gives us confidence that Evil does not have the last word, but God does, and God’s justice prevails, in life or in death.

As my kids go to sleep unanswered, I wonder: how did we live this day together? As we waited at home, we made pancakes, we played with the dog, we obviously quarreled, then we made peace, then we cooked lunch, we cried, we laughed, we played with grand-mother… we helped each other out of the stillstand, through family, through community.

A lot is wrong with our world today. But how can I explain this to my kids? what words can explain that people, families, beautiful kids not far from us are killed harshly for “justified” reasons? It could be us tomorrow. What can justify these horrors? I have nothing to say. My 16 year old has already understood that what he studies about human rights does not apply equally to all peoples. He faces his future differently now. Does it make him stronger?

And as we carry the cries of our people in our hearts and our minds constantly, our hands reach out to all the people of goodwill to work for peace: not only the meditative self feeling of peace, but also the social peace that comes from building bridges between peoples, accepting others, fighting injustices and bias. Our only hope comes from communities that are aware that violence and war are ALWAYS Evil and Absurd, and that only working together can bring long lasting solutions to all peoples.

In the meantime, we continue our daily questioning with no answers, looking blindly to the unknown future with fearful hope but anchored in our Strength and community.

from Lebanon,

M.N.A.