Communicating well is the key to healthier and more constructive relationships. The psychologist Thomas Gordon developed a revolutionary method for addressing conflicts without winners or losers. Let’s explore his fundamental techniques together.

In the 1960s, when talking about effective communication was still a utopia, psychologist Thomas Gordon began experimenting with his method in the modest back of a bar. His first listeners were parents looking for a better way to communicate with their children, who were in the throes of adolescent rebellion and frustrated by the prevailing authoritarian education.

At that time, conflict resolution was based on power and hierarchy. Despite this, Gordon looked ahead and realized that another educational model was possible. His ideas, revolutionary for that time, became the foundation of a new approach to dialogue and interpersonal relationship management. For this reason, Gordon was nominated three times for the Nobel Peace Prize: a significant tribute to the profound and transformative impact of his method in the field of communication and conflict resolution.

With you or without you?
The song “With or Without You” by the U2 sings of an intense yet troubled love: a precarious balance between the need for the other and the pain that arises from a conflicting relationship.
The song expresses a universal concept: the greatest communication difficulties are also present in the most important relationships. Often, we settle for the so-called “intermittent reinforcements”: irregular positive moments that keep us in relationships despite the problems.
But is it possible to improve? Can we increase the quality of communication while reducing destructive conflicts? The answer is yes! Gordon developed a communication model that allows addressing conflicts without domination, improving the quality of personal and professional relationships. Thanks to this approach, we can learn of a respectful model of dialogue that considers mutual needs, leading to “conflicts without losers”.

Before delving into these concepts, it is important to emphasize that this is just an introduction, a brief overview of a vast and complex topic. For a deeper understanding, it is advisable to explore further resources and specific readings that we will list at the end of the article.

Listening to truly understand
According to Gordon’s “window” of communication, the first step is active listening, which means not just hearing but actively understanding. It means eliminating distractions, being present, and giving signals that demonstrate attention.

Silencing the mind
It is not enough to be silent with your mouth; you must also do so with your mind. This means suspending judgment and not thinking about what to say next but fully concentrating on the person speaking.

Attending: the posture of listening
Non-verbal language is crucial: maintaining eye contact, facing the other person, avoiding closed or distracted postures, and nodding. These signals convey warmth and availability.

Verbal acknowledgments and expressions
Small verbal signals like “mh-mh,” “I understand,” a smile, or a nod indicate that we are present in the conversation and encourage the other person to continue.

Invitational phrases
Open-ended questions or statements like “Tell me more” or “Interesting, tell me more” help the other person express themselves without feeling judged.

Effective feedback: a mirror of understanding
Reflecting back to the other person what we have understood helps avoid misunderstandings. “If I understood correctly, you are saying that…” helps clarify any miscommunications and shows the speaker that we are truly listening.

The “I” message: first-person language
Often in conflicts, we use the “YOU Message,” which sounds like an accusation (“You never listen to me!”). Instead, Gordon proposes the “I Message,” which shifts the focus to our feelings: “When this happens, I feel frustrated because…”. “When I speak and feel that you are not responding, I feel ignored, and it hurts.” “I worry about not having your support on this project.” This reduces defensive behavior and opens a constructive dialogue.

Conflicts without losers
By applying these tools, the foundations for resolving conflicts without winners or losers are created. Gordon’s method focuses on cooperation: by respecting everyone’s needs, conflicts become opportunities for growth rather than battles.
Where to explore further?
For further reading, you can consult Thomas Gordon’s books, including Effective Parents, Effective Leaders, and Effective Relationships.

Additionally, there are international centers of the Gordon Training International, with resources and courses on effective communication (www.gordontraining.com ).

Communicating well is not a utopia: it is a skill that can be learnt to build more authentic and satisfying relationships. Communicating well means improving the quality of life. Why not start today?